An early miscarriage
author By Emilie Leeks,

This is still very raw, but I don't know any other way to share it. We are so quiet, so secretive in our culture about miscarriage - in fact about any hurt we are carrying. Grief is real and necessary and allowed. So here it is - this is where we are at right now.

We are so quiet, so secretive in our culture about miscarriage - in fact about any hurt we are carrying. Grief is real and necessary and allowed.

***

Why hasn't the world stopped? Why is everyone just carrying on as if nothing has happened? Don't people know that we just lost a baby??

I want to scream it out. I want to grab people by the shoulders, shake them - make them see. I don't understand how it is that everyone is just able to carry on with their day-to-day business as if everything is normal.

Nothing is normal now. Everything looks the same, but it's all changed. One minute we were pregnant, expecting our fourth child, the next - it was all gone. Snatched away from us in that moment when the scanner touched my pregnant belly.

No heartbeat.

We knew. We knew before the sonographer told us. We knew before we even entered the scan room. Little things in the previous couple of days - nothings on their own, but together painting a bleak picture of our hopes and plans. We saw the stillness on the screen, heard the words: "I'm sorry."

We sat and held each other; cried. Cried tears that felt like they would never end. At home, we told our children, told my own mother, told others who were waiting anxiously for our news.

And now? Now, sadness envelopes us like a blanket. We do our best. Do our best to carry on, to go through the motions. The children need to eat - so do we, although it can be hard to feel like it. We sit with the sadness. Sometimes we laugh, make ourselves forget for a while. Mostly we're quiet, subdued, still slightly disbelieving that the future we envisaged will now never be.

Often we cry. We know the tears will help us to heal, but it will take forever to heal this hurt.

We have called her Caitlin. We won't forget her. Her sister and brothers have plans - we will choose her birthday, name the boat we are building after her, plant a rose. Our family of 5 is now a family of 6 - a family of 6 with a piece missing. A piece that never was; that was never meant to be. But a piece we wanted with us so badly. Time will move on; the world will start for us again. We will grow, change, laugh, love. But always, we will remember. And for now, we grieve.

For Caitlin Louisa Mary. Always in our hearts; forever missed.

gladioli caitlin

A word or two about Journeys in Parenting: a blog about our experiences on the path of peaceful parenting…

We are a family of 5, living in Berkshire in the UK. I (Emilie) am married to the rather wonderful and (thank goodness!) supportive Stuart, and we have 3 young children, aged 9, 6, and 4. I decided to start this blog after a few enquiries from friends and acquaintances about what our parenting style is all about. I hope that writing about the peaks and pitfalls of our peaceful parenting journey will help others in a similar position - i.e. wanting to make changes to their parenting, but not quite sure where to start! It's very much an ongoing journey for us, and in no way do we claim to have all the answers, but we hope that reading about trying to support our children in a peaceful, responsive way that works for our family will perhaps inspire others to find their own path too.

And to all parents out there reading this: I hope this will be a mutually supportive resource. It is not intended to be a comment on any parenting style which is different from ours, rather it reflects what is working for our family and that which might be useful for others - the article I Am Not a Better Mother Than You says it better than I ever could! I fully welcome respectful comments and questions (e.g. in the vein of "I have found X works well for me" rather than "You shouldn't do it like that") - please try to avoid judgement of others when posting. I have no problem with my ideas being politely questioned, but if our overall parenting style is not for you, please do feel free to go and find other resources which are a better fit for you. Best of luck to everyone, as I know we are all doing the very best that we can for our children, no matter which paths we take!

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Comments

Comment by Roma Norriss

Dear Ones,
I'm so sorry you lost your baby. Or at least that you didn't get to be with her for long on this plain. Trusting you will be scooped up by your community while your broken hearts heal. I only know that she did so well to choose you all as her family. So much love x

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